Sunday, March 27, 2016

I love my career as a developer. It has afforded me many luxuries that many people my age have had to work a lot harder for. I like it because I am good at it, at least I think I am. Certainly not the best, but it seems to come naturally to me. I can sometimes visualize design patterns and architectural structures, not like in the movies where the person spontaneously sees things pop up in this air in front of them. Just instinct-fully. I tend to over glamorize it in my head I guess, but, I think its fun, and it allows me to be creative and express ideas in my head in a creative process not unlike art.
that is the ultimate truth.

So when some place I am working, doing what I love, starts to stress me out unnecessarily making me have to feel like I actually have to cover my ass, I feel like they are attacking what I love, turning something that I normally enjoy into a chore. That shit pisses me of, I take it personally. I cant help it, its just who I am.

It always makes me think back on the other things I love, the things that I wanted when I was a kid. Like a beautiful, sexy girlfriend, and becoming an architect. Both of which would fuck me, one literally and one figuratively. And so I end up here. Half way through the story of my life contemplating a decision that will change my life completely, but still scares the crap out of me... spend a shit ton of money going back to school to be an architect.

The thought of the work involved to get there stresses me out to no end, for the same reason my job is stressing me out now. Trying to make ends meet, and balance a healthy living, while still having to work my ass off for everything. I just want to do what comes naturally to me, and that is visualization of architectrual structures. In code, or in the real world.

The only difference between these two things, is simply that in one situation I have to have everybody like the product of my work, where one person disliking it can cause an enormous headache (sounds stressful doesnt it?). The other I only have to have one person like it, the one thats willing to pay me well for my work, and the others can seek their complaints elsewhere. I believe the latter sounds like a less stressful career to pay for my retirement.

So what now? Good question. Right? O_o If I could somehow financially support myself at the very least while going to school full time. I believe I could be a successful architect, making many times more than I am making now, living a much more comfortable life, in a house that I designed.

Welcome to my blog. Nothing to see here.